Jesus Saved My (Dating) Life! - An Interview with Carl Lorenzini

I recently interviewed my friend Carl on dating as a Christian. We both are part of a community of Christian young adults called "Crew" who meet every Thursday in SW Florida. Thanks, Carl! This was awesome. More interviews to come from other people in our community.

Carl, you have shared with me that you weren't always dating with a Christian perspective. So, I'm going to ask you some questions to perhaps reflect the change in you now as you consider dating as a Christian.

1. Has Christianity been relevant to your dating life thus far? How does being a Christian help or hinder your social life?

Yes it has. My perspective on dating has changed quite a bit since I became a Christian 2 ½ years ago. The “end-result” idea of dating is to find out if the person you are dating is someone you feel could be a life partner in marriage with you. I realize that I want to be able to share the greatest gift that I received (God’s love) with some who can understand the passion and love in growing nearer to Christ. I believe it’s important to have a partner that is willing and able to walk with you in growing and experiencing God. I believe it will strengthen a marriage and the family as a whole.

There’s no question that dating as a Christian has dramatically reduced the potential number of dating prospects in general. However, I can’t say that it’s really affected my social life, because I simply replaced that part of dating with a healthier form of dating. There is something to be said when it comes to “quality…not quantity” of the women I choose to date.

2. What are some things you'd like to challenge yourself and your Christian brothers on when it comes to dating in a way that honors God more?

I’d like to challenge us guys to be a little more patient when it comes to dating. Men are very visual and we have a tendency to lean toward the temporary short-term satisfaction of dating and relationships. I believe it’s important for us to sit back, observe, and understand our true intentions before and when we date a woman. That way we are honest with our feelings and intentions first and we don’t incidentally “string” a woman along on an emotional rollercoaster.

3. Lots of your Christian sisters complain about men not stepping up to the plate when it comes to initiating and being intentional about their approach to eligible women. I know it must be difficult since Christian dating does have bit of a more serious tone to it. What do you think Christian men could do better? And what are some words of encouragement would you have for your Christian sisters?

I believe men that are truly seeking God understand that they need to guard a woman’s heart. On the other side of things, men understand their true sinful nature when it comes to women and dating. Lust is a huge stumbling block for men. It’s something that men struggle with to the very core. When Christian men understand their role as a Christian male, it conflicts with the constant thoughts of lust that race through a man mind at any given moment. That in itself could cause hesitation on a man’s part when it comes to dating.

So once again, I believe it’s important for men to sit back, observe, and understand our true intentions before and when we date a woman.

The words of encouragement for Christian woman would be…be patient with us guys. We’re block-heads and we’re not always the best at expressing how we feel. However, also note that if you voice a concern to the guy you are dating and he does not express any interest in what you are saying and he does not remotely attempt to make things better, then you need to drop that Zero and get with a Hero! When a guy truly cares for a woman and is interested in her, he will do things naturally and if they don’t come naturally to him, he will make things right when he’s done wrong. If a guy isn’t that interested, his good actions will be notably forced.

4. I believe God gives us specific desires for certain things in life which prove to serve His purpose. I think that also goes for the people we choose to date. What are some attributes that attract you to the opposite sex the most, including physical, emotional, and spiritual characteristics?

I believe the initial attribute that attracts most to the opposite sex would have to be physical. I do not believe it is shallow…I call it realistic. Physical attraction is the lure and personality characteristics are what seals the deal. I feel that physical, emotional, and spiritual attraction is all very important. I believe in general that a man feels most loved and connected to a woman, when he feels respected by his lady. I believe common interests are key in a relationship. That is why two people with God as their common interest is essential. It is the foundation to everything else within that relationship. To follow that…I believe a good sense of humor is healthy. It’s hard to be upset when you are smiling. Laughter is the outward expression of joy within us, even if it is for just a moment. It’s contagious and can liven the love and positive energy within a relationship.

Dating With Pure Passion - A New Cycle of Relationships

This is a GREAT resource. I really like this book because it doesn't leave you feeling like you have to follow some formula. It gets back to the heart of why God created relationships and how that can be reflected in dating. God gave us passion and it is meant to be pure to fullfil His purpose!

In chapter 3, "Where's the Passion? - Dealing with the Pressure to Get Married," author, Rob Eagar, shows two charts: One explaining a common vicious dating cycle we tend to go through when we expect dating to fulfill our hearts and the other a new cycle of dating that flows from the love of Christ in us.

I can't draw the circular chart, but I will list each cycle which is numbered 1-7.

The vicious cycle:

1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance.

2. So you date to find someone who will make you happy.

3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance.

4. You try to please each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other.

5. Your disappointment causes conflict and rejection.

6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please you.

7. The cycle starts over.

The new cycle:

1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God's love.

2. So when you date someone, he or she no longer has to act perfectly to please you.

3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself.

4. This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you.

5. When your date makes a mistake, you can forgive him or her as God forgave you.

6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages a deeper relationship.

7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.

I don't know about you, but I can totally relate to the vicious cycle! For now on I only want the new cycle.

In my next post I will feature a fellow brother of mine and some of the ways the love of Christ has transformed his dating life!

To learn more about Rob Eagar and read excerpts from his book

go to www.datingwithpurepassion.com

Tim Keller on Singlehood and Marriage

Tim Keller is the pastor of Redeemer Church in Manhattan, NYC. Back in November 2001 he gave a sermon on Singlehood and Marriage that remains relevant today. It has got to be one of the most comprehensive messages I've heard on this topic and I often refer to it to give a good read. See the sermon notes link below.

He really gets into the non-idolatry of marriage and the non-fear of marriage. Awesome balance and Kingdom application for those of us out there who want marriage too much or who don't want it enough / are not intentional enough.

It's well worth your time reading. Check the link here: Tim Keller on Dating and Marriage

Check out more of my posts on this topic:  Biblical Dating and Marriage

Here's a great interview of a guy friend of mine on how Christianity has changed his dating habits: Jesus Saved My (Dating) Life

And here are a few confessions of my own experience with online dating: Confessions of a Serial Dater

5 Ways to Glorify God in Dating

So, lately I've been on the dating scene.

One big question I'm constantly asking myself is, "How can I glorify God through dating?" Some people think dating is wrong or have kissed it good-bye. Yeah, that's not me. On top of all that, many people have different definitions of dating. So let me just clarify that to me dating is an end in itself. It's single people of the opposite sex getting to know each other on a one-on-one basis with mutual interest expressed from some sort of initial attraction. It may even lead to a relationship.

Here are 5 random ways (so far) I've found to have positive effects in my recent dating experiences and in turn bring me closer to God and point the other person to Christ as well:

1. Pray! I pray before ever going on the date. Even if it's with a guy I don't suspect will be my future husband. God knows and sees everything I'm doing, why not submit my interactions with single and available men to Him as well?

2. Don't over-analyze. God says to be anxious for nothing, right? Just because a guy asked me for coffee doesn't mean he wants to marry me! And that brush on the knee, it could mean something, it could not. Until he gets down on one knee...don't sweat it!

3. Be confident. And I'm not just talking about self-esteem here. I mean in your faith. Don't be afraid to talk about what you believe in or ask questions regarding faith. It's important, isn't it? Fear God and not man!

4. Sexual Integrity. Consider your physical boundaries and make up your mind ahead of time what measures you will take to avoid temptation. Come up with a game plan. And have someone available who will keep you accountable. Call them before and after the date. It helps, trust me! (See Sexual Compatibility)

5. Trust God. Be patient, and don't come to early conclusions about a person. Take the time to get to know someone, and trust that if it's not meant to be God will show you the way out. If you are keeping your dating experiences in prayer, God hears you and He is happy to show you the way as long as you are constantly seeking Him. Remember that you can pray for the hearts of your dates in this whole process, too. When you trust God, openness and honesty is so much easier. Which is very important in dealing with people in general, let alone in the dating scene.
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