Confessions of a Serial (Cereal?) Dater

Whenever I hear the term "serial" I always think "cereal"...

Anyways, the topic of dating always gets people interested for some reason. And I never did get to finish my "dating series" for this blog because I suddenly have two jobs and am working 6 days a week. (Praise God for work, though!)

I've tried online dating and for the most part it has been a positive learning experience. Although, I've met the end of my ropes with it. I might try eHarmony.com as a last resort, but I'm not interested in spending my money on that right now. So, we'll see where God leads with that.

I'm still on a few free sites where I've actually met some godly men, but also some not-so-godly men. Then there are those whom we might categorize as "in-between." "Who am I to really judge?" is what seems to be my initial knee-jerk response. But honestly, there is something to judge here. In dating, LOTS of judging goes on. I mean, we are talking about considering someone with whom you may go from "hello, nice to meet you" to "I do" one day!

If you have not read the sermon notes from Tim Keller on Singlehood and Marriage then let me clarify why I'm "ok" with dating and why it has been a positive experience for me. It has allowed me to:

1. Affirm people of the opposite sex within the Christian community.

2. Help one another learn the intricacies of cross-gender communication, discernment, and relationship.

3. Stay open to God's own leading about whether I should be married or not.

4. Avoid the contemporary idols that make dating and marriage very threatening.

5. Avoid avoiding. Dating and marriage-seeking is a process of self-discovery as well as understanding cross-gender relationships. Don't procrastinate.

In my dating, a common thing I get from the categorized "in-between" men is the fact that they don't understand or agree why it is good for two people to be on the same page in their walk with God to have a great marriage. Maybe the difference here is a great marriage in the eyes of the "world" vs. a marriage that pleases God. And that's been very difficult for me to explain to someone who isn't on the same page as me spiritually.

Tim Killer says it best in his sermon, "If your partner doesn't share your faith, then he or she doesn't understand it. And if Jesus is central to you, then that means that your partner doesn't understand you. He/she doesn't understand the mainspring of your life, the ground motive of all you do. Over and over you will make decisions that your partner can't fathom. Now the essence of intimacy in marriage is that fianlly you have someone who really understands you and accepts you as you are. Finally you have someone that you don't have to hide from or always be 'spinning', who 'gets' you. But if the person is not a believer, he or she can't understand your very essence and heart."

He also goes on to say how marrying someone who does not share your faith can only go two ways, "One is that you will more and more have to lose your transparency. In the normal, healthy Christian life, you relate Christ and the gospel to everything. You will think of Christ when watching a movie. You will base decisions on Christian principles. You will think about what you read in the Bible that day. But if you are natural and transparent about all these thoughts, your partner will find it at least tedious or appalling and even offensive. Your partner will almost have to think that the normal Christian is obsessed. He or she will say, 'I had no idea you were this overboard about this.' The other possibility is that you simply move Christ out of such a central place in your consciousness. You may even have to let your heart-ardor for Christ cool. Why? Because if you keep Him central you will feel isolated from your spouse."

Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot emphasize what Pastor Keller is saying here. It is SO true! It's important to be fair to someone who doesn't understand this and not get emotionally involved with them. And you don't want to let go of your heart-ardor for Christ. You really don't. As I continue to go on a few dates here and there, these are the things I remember. I am not worried at all about meeting a great man who will choose to love me and who shares the same faith and the same heart for Christ. I know he's out there. Until then, I'm just taking things one step at a time as God leads. :)

Now excuse me as I go to the store, I've run out of milk for my cereal...

You can find my blog post about and link to Tim Keller's sermon on Singlehood and Marriage by clicking here.

Feng Shui, Computers, and Jesus

I don't know much about Feng Shui, but I like to joke and say I have my own personal "Feng Shui." I like to sit at certain places at restaurants, pick certain spots at the beach, and my room has to be a certain way for me to want to sit and read or journal peacefully. ("Personal Feng Shui" sounds so much better than OCD, right?)

Sadly, at times, I apply this personal "Feng Shui" to my relationship with God. I often want to tackle the clutter first, then go to Him. (If you're asking, "What's so wrong with that?" then you should read on!)

I recently got a part-time job at a computer store and I start training next weekend. Last night I was sitting worrying about how being busy with an extra job would really throw off my Feng Shui b/c I wouldn't have time to tackle the clutter. I started to think maybe this part-time job was not in God's will...b/c with all that clutter I woudln't have the right Feng Shui set in place for me to pray, journal, and spend time with Him. God reminded me that computer products are not eternal, but the people that sell them and buy them are. Like C.S. Lewis said, "But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."

Check out what Jesus says in the book of Luke chp 10 vv.40-42:

"But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me. But the Lord answered her, Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

So, the moral of the story here is that we can go to God anytime, anyplace. Clutter and bad Feng Shui and all. Because He is carrying out His eternal purpose through the hearts of people. Maybe my room will get a little messy and out of balance, but I can still spend time with God. And working at a computer store will give me more opportunities to invest in eternal lives, not just temporary products.

Now excuse me...I need to go clean my room! (Maybe I'll go for a walk and talk with God first :-)

Chuck Swindoll In Jeans On Leadership

"Dude! You're like...the Godfather!" That's what one of the Catalyst Conference reps said to Chuck over the phone when he mentioned his concern about being a little too old to speak for this next generation crowd of Christian leaders. As Chuck stood there on stage in his jeans telling us this story we laughed along with him mostly agreeing! Haha, he went on to make a hilarious comment about something to the effect of "ministry mafia." Too funny.

Before I knew about Andy Stanley or Louie Giglio, or many other well-known Christian leaders, speakers, pastors, etc. I knew about Chuck Swindoll. And I have to say, I was looking forward to his talk to the most.

Here are some of my notes from his talk:

He talked about being crushed, time, dissappointments, and failure.

He went on to give a list of top 10 things for ministry or something like that. ;)

1. It's lonely to lead.
2. It's dangerous to succeed.

3. It's hardest at home.

4. It's essential to be real.

5. It's painful to obey.

6. Brokenness and failure are necessary. (He said something about how we learn the most about Christ through afflication...P. Shaun King was sitting across the table from me in the volunteer breakroom during this and we heavily agreed on that one!)

7. My attitude is more important than my actions.

8. Integrity eclipses image.

9. God's way is always better than my way.

10. Christ-likeness begins and ends with humility.

Chuck is older in age, and has been doing ministry for quite some time. That is why I respect him and what he says. And what he says here in this list is not just a bullet list. They are key things that come to the mind of a man who has been walking with God strongly way longer than I have. There is weighty wisdom in there for me to pay attention to. Chuck is the Godfather! LOL

Some more points to ponder from Chuck's talk:

-He said the only place in scripture that Christ actually describes Himself is in Matthew 11:28-30 where He tells us he is gentle and lowly in heart. We find rest in Him and His yoke is easy.

-He also noted how we should preach Christ...that we are bondservants.

-We must be willing to leave the familiar methods without disturbing the biblical message.

-DON'T MESS WITH OR ALTER THE MESSAGE NO MATTER THE METHOD.

Another numbered list from 2 Cor 4:

1. With every ministry a special mercy is needed (God promises that..2 Cor 4:1)

2. In every ministry the same things must be renounced and rejected (v.2)

-hiding shameful things

-doing deceitful things

-corrupting truthful things

3. Through every ministry a unique style should be pursued (vv. 5-7)

-we do not preach or promote ourselves (it isn't about us!!)

-we declare Christ Jesus as Lord (it's all about Him!!)

-we see ourselves as bondservants for Jesus' sake

-we never forget what we are and who He is

5 Statements:

1. Whatever you do, do more with others and less alone

2. Whenever you do it, emphasize quality not quantity

3. Wherever you go, do it the same as if you were among those who know you best (helps you keep from exaggerating the truth)

4. Whoever may respond, keep a level head

5. However long you lead, keep on dripping with gratitude and grace...stay thankful and gracious!!!

Finally, Pastor Swindoll finished by reciting this poem by Amy Carmichael, which really struck me. (I love poetry)

I remembered the last part that said,

"Let me not sink to be a clod, Make me thy fuel thy flame of God."

"It is hard to love." Video: David Powlison on Marital Intimacy (Part 1 of 3)

David Powlison is a great counselor from CCEF (Christian Counseling Education Foundation). I've gotten so much out of the resources and materials and help from that foundation. I'm confident about what God is doing through them.

Please take the time to view this clip. And if you were wondering where were my continued blog posts regarding my dating series, don't worry. I'm working on my next interview with a married Christian couple!

Experiencing God by Henry & Richard Blackaby, Claude King

I'm currently in a bible study based on the book "Experiencing God." So far, it's pretty good. It helps you study and meditate through some key information in the bible so you can know and do the will of God.

There's a helpful diagram this study touches on the whole time. Unfortunately, you'll have to miss out on the AWESOME stick figures drawn out in this book. But, I will list the 7 "Experiencing God" guide points to follow.

1. God is always at work around you.

2. God pursues a continuing love relationship with you that is real and personal.

3. God invites you to become involved with Him in His work.

4. God speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, prayer, circumstances, and the church to reveal Himself, His purposes, and His ways.

5. God's invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action.

6. You must make major adjustments in your life to join God in what He is doing.

7. You come to know God by experience as you obey Him, and He accomplishes His work through you.

Jesus Saved My (Dating) Life! - An Interview with Carl Lorenzini

I recently interviewed my friend Carl on dating as a Christian. We both are part of a community of Christian young adults called "Crew" who meet every Thursday in SW Florida. Thanks, Carl! This was awesome. More interviews to come from other people in our community.

Carl, you have shared with me that you weren't always dating with a Christian perspective. So, I'm going to ask you some questions to perhaps reflect the change in you now as you consider dating as a Christian.

1. Has Christianity been relevant to your dating life thus far? How does being a Christian help or hinder your social life?

Yes it has. My perspective on dating has changed quite a bit since I became a Christian 2 ½ years ago. The “end-result” idea of dating is to find out if the person you are dating is someone you feel could be a life partner in marriage with you. I realize that I want to be able to share the greatest gift that I received (God’s love) with some who can understand the passion and love in growing nearer to Christ. I believe it’s important to have a partner that is willing and able to walk with you in growing and experiencing God. I believe it will strengthen a marriage and the family as a whole.

There’s no question that dating as a Christian has dramatically reduced the potential number of dating prospects in general. However, I can’t say that it’s really affected my social life, because I simply replaced that part of dating with a healthier form of dating. There is something to be said when it comes to “quality…not quantity” of the women I choose to date.

2. What are some things you'd like to challenge yourself and your Christian brothers on when it comes to dating in a way that honors God more?

I’d like to challenge us guys to be a little more patient when it comes to dating. Men are very visual and we have a tendency to lean toward the temporary short-term satisfaction of dating and relationships. I believe it’s important for us to sit back, observe, and understand our true intentions before and when we date a woman. That way we are honest with our feelings and intentions first and we don’t incidentally “string” a woman along on an emotional rollercoaster.

3. Lots of your Christian sisters complain about men not stepping up to the plate when it comes to initiating and being intentional about their approach to eligible women. I know it must be difficult since Christian dating does have bit of a more serious tone to it. What do you think Christian men could do better? And what are some words of encouragement would you have for your Christian sisters?

I believe men that are truly seeking God understand that they need to guard a woman’s heart. On the other side of things, men understand their true sinful nature when it comes to women and dating. Lust is a huge stumbling block for men. It’s something that men struggle with to the very core. When Christian men understand their role as a Christian male, it conflicts with the constant thoughts of lust that race through a man mind at any given moment. That in itself could cause hesitation on a man’s part when it comes to dating.

So once again, I believe it’s important for men to sit back, observe, and understand our true intentions before and when we date a woman.

The words of encouragement for Christian woman would be…be patient with us guys. We’re block-heads and we’re not always the best at expressing how we feel. However, also note that if you voice a concern to the guy you are dating and he does not express any interest in what you are saying and he does not remotely attempt to make things better, then you need to drop that Zero and get with a Hero! When a guy truly cares for a woman and is interested in her, he will do things naturally and if they don’t come naturally to him, he will make things right when he’s done wrong. If a guy isn’t that interested, his good actions will be notably forced.

4. I believe God gives us specific desires for certain things in life which prove to serve His purpose. I think that also goes for the people we choose to date. What are some attributes that attract you to the opposite sex the most, including physical, emotional, and spiritual characteristics?

I believe the initial attribute that attracts most to the opposite sex would have to be physical. I do not believe it is shallow…I call it realistic. Physical attraction is the lure and personality characteristics are what seals the deal. I feel that physical, emotional, and spiritual attraction is all very important. I believe in general that a man feels most loved and connected to a woman, when he feels respected by his lady. I believe common interests are key in a relationship. That is why two people with God as their common interest is essential. It is the foundation to everything else within that relationship. To follow that…I believe a good sense of humor is healthy. It’s hard to be upset when you are smiling. Laughter is the outward expression of joy within us, even if it is for just a moment. It’s contagious and can liven the love and positive energy within a relationship.

Dating With Pure Passion - A New Cycle of Relationships

This is a GREAT resource. I really like this book because it doesn't leave you feeling like you have to follow some formula. It gets back to the heart of why God created relationships and how that can be reflected in dating. God gave us passion and it is meant to be pure to fullfil His purpose!

In chapter 3, "Where's the Passion? - Dealing with the Pressure to Get Married," author, Rob Eagar, shows two charts: One explaining a common vicious dating cycle we tend to go through when we expect dating to fulfill our hearts and the other a new cycle of dating that flows from the love of Christ in us.

I can't draw the circular chart, but I will list each cycle which is numbered 1-7.

The vicious cycle:

1. You are imperfect and hungry for acceptance.

2. So you date to find someone who will make you happy.

3. Your date, however, is also imperfect and hungry for acceptance.

4. You try to please each other but eventually make mistakes and disappoint each other.

5. Your disappointment causes conflict and rejection.

6. As the rejection mounts, you begin to look for someone else to please you.

7. The cycle starts over.

The new cycle:

1. You are imperfect, but you are fulfilled by God's love.

2. So when you date someone, he or she no longer has to act perfectly to please you.

3. Therefore, your date is free to be himself or herself.

4. This makes him or her feel more comfortable around you.

5. When your date makes a mistake, you can forgive him or her as God forgave you.

6. In turn, your date enjoys being with you and encourages a deeper relationship.

7. A cycle of intimacy forms, and you grow closer together.

I don't know about you, but I can totally relate to the vicious cycle! For now on I only want the new cycle.

In my next post I will feature a fellow brother of mine and some of the ways the love of Christ has transformed his dating life!

To learn more about Rob Eagar and read excerpts from his book

go to www.datingwithpurepassion.com